My previous occupation involved jumping over, blindfolded and clad in sequinned hotpants, complete strangers on a pogostick.

My stick broke in Helsinki and a jumbo took me to Melbourne. Wisely I decided to become CasioNova, but man cannot live on leaky double A batteries alone and I have to make another location and career adjustment.

This time to farm chickens in Wongawallan, (don’t worry these are free range ladies) and the path I took was route 39. To journey from Melbourne to Brisbane there are three options, by the coast via Sydney, inland with the optional stopover at Canberra (aboriginal for ‘tits’ -true!) or Route 39 via Goondiwindi (aboriginal for ‘bird shit’).

Route 39 passes over the ‘Turn Back Now Jimmy’ creek and the ‘Poisened Waterholes’ creek, and thats even before one enters the Shire of Bland – very accurately named. Later in this over two thousand kilometre journey is the city of Dubbo which is exactly between Melbourne and Brisbane, the sole reason for Dubbo to exist is to be exactly between Brisbane and Melbourne.

Boring? Yes. Uninteresting? Yes. Stupefyingly tedious? Hell yes. Yet there are moments that this journey reminds one of the Australia which has disappeared under the dominance of the USA, the area that tells this story is the Parkes to Coonabaraban stretch. Out here it is Big Sky country, far from city lights, no hills, and since the white fella, bugger all trees – perfect for astronomy.

It is at Parkes that the famous, for us aussies who care about science (hi Stewart), radio telescope is located. This telescope relayed the images of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon – the occasion immortalised in the film ‘The Dish’. This film is one of the few enjoyable Australian films since the great 70’s film boom (ANY Australian film from the 70’s is to be recommended), a loving look at an era and place that may not have really existed but one that we in some ways we aspire to have come from.

The Dish is a film I would ask any foreigner to watch to understand what it is we like about ourselves, and also to understand the strategic importance of Australia to the USA and why everything we like about ourselves must be destroyed for the sake of global dominance. The radio telescope in Parkes served as a relay station, it is a place of science and understanding. Dotted throughout Australia – in very remote regions, are US military satellite relay stations, places of imperialism and war. To wage campaigns in, lets say the middle east, the US needs relay stations in our region. It is like, really really important dude, to secure control of oil supply.

Yeah yeah, another alexander from CasioNova (Alex Downer is our minister for foreign affairs). Well not really, there are some things happening in the world that may not have the attention of those of us chronicling the downfall of our civilisation , (more on this later).

Route 39 is also an excellent demonstration of the utterly stupid transportation choices the western world has made. Okay, Australia is flat, no lakes, BIG distances between major cities. Every scrap of logic says rail is the ONLY option for freight. How do we move things in this land – with big friggin trucks! The trucking industry is incredibly subsidised, rail can’t compete! Route 39 is one mashed up highway with constant roadworks – all thanks to the big friggin trucks who don’t pay a cent for fixing up the rails of bitumen they use. So so insane. The truckies are great BTW, I would rather share the road with a professional road train driver than a clueless tourist in a car.

Oh and to prevent you from being a clueless tourist and dying here’s a tip someone gave me that’s saved my life: if you are about to hit a roo, lights out, horn on, brake, don’t swerve. Avoid dusk and dawn driving – the roos and bugs are worst then. The other way not to die out there is to sleep if you get tired (after pulling over and stopping the vehicle that is), and never ever eat chinese takeaway in Dubbo.