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2003

Ever wanted to make music but you drove every music teacher you had to a nervous breakdown because of your lack of rhythm or pitch? Ever wanted to make those big club beats without touching a record but you don’t own a computer or home studio? Ever wanted to amuse yourself and possibly others with the wonderful world of music instead of spending another night in front of the telly?

In the olden days one would get a couple of mates, a few things lying around the home like some spoons. a washboard, a stick, a teachest, a comb and wax paper and head out onto the verandah and get down. But that voice that MTV has planted in your head will tell you that you sound like anachronistic crap and to head back indoors and partake in some real music like watching Britney’s navel.

Music is the weirdest and most inexplicable of art forms, the creation of which can give ridiculous amounts of pleasure to the most rank of amateurs. The following is how I managed to become the music star of my own bedroom. Sure, it can lead to fame and being ripped off by record companies but the main thing is your own self amusement.. If your childhood music lessons ended up in tears (the teacher in my case) it was the fault of the teaching method. Apparently there are good music teachers out there nowadays, if you can afford to pay someone then do it - what a fabulous way to spend money, beats the hell out of paying for consumer goods, can that brand new big DVD player teach you how to sing? Well maybe if it has a karoake function. Whatever path you start on remember music is something to be enjoyed first and foremost, forget precision and perfection. Aspire to fame within your four walls and you will never be dissapointed.

First you need an instrument. Dig deep into that cupboard under the stairs, see what’s in that twilight zone between ceiling and roof, hunt high and low in your house and others (generally a good idea to ask permission first) for that item that is almost a figment of your imagination, a recollection of a decade long past, that long lost home keyboard from the eighties that you actually loved to fiddle with but denied even to yourself that this is damn fun when the schoolyard tastemakers determined such devices are uncool and one is better off borrowing big brothers guitar and pretending to be Eddie Van Halen. How very wrong they were. Now is the time to take back that sheer pleasure of making the music that YOU like.

If you don’t have access to an old keyboard (spread the word, your girlfriend’s aunt might even have a classic Casio MT-68 not being used) then spend a few days at junk markets and op shops or if you have a little bit more money trawl the internet auction sites. Try not to spend more than thirty dollars on your first home keyboard.

Get some batteries, cheap is okay - they will last a very long time if you do the next critical step, plug the wee beastie into some kind of amplifier. Ideally get a power adaptor because you will inevitable play for weeks at a time and end up with a huge pile of flat double A’s, find someone who knows what they are doing they can help you get one from an Op shop for a couple of dollars rather than thirty bucks at Dick’s (Smith). Check the polarity! Plug the wee beastie into some kind of amplifier.

—–this bit is for complete novices——
The reason most people think home keyboards are crap is because they never plugged them in. Of course they can sound crap through those tiny speakers so in the words of MARRS - Pump Up the Volume! One of the myriad of reasons home keyboards from the eighties are superior is that generally they all had outputs, the cheap ones now don’t (hey that socket adds up when you manufactre three million of them). Usually it’s a headphone jack, usually a little one, if your keyboard has one speaker it is monophonic if it has two it is stereo. Do you have access to real musical amplifiers (a guitar amp?) then all you need is a guitar lead and an adaptor plug for the lead to go from from big to small. Otherwise have a look at the back of your stereo, are there two rca sockets (one is red one is black) with the words ‘line in’ or ‘tape input’ or something like that? Go to you local electronics hobbiest store, if your keyboard is small bring it in, tell them what needs to be plugged into what and they’ll sort you out with the right cable. Be creative, I’ve used the microphone input on a tape recorder which meant I had to have the tape recorder paused in record mode (enabled by using my finger to press the plastic thingee in the machine to think it’s got a tape there).

As long as your amplification device has a bigger speaker than the keyboard then getting the cable is essential to long hours of enjoyment (but perhaps not for your flatmates).

Switch the keyboard and amplifier off. Connect the cable to the two devices . Turn the volume right down on everything. Switch on, if using a hi fi make sure it is switched to line in on the source selector, put the volume on the amplifier up a little. Now while holding down a note slowly turn up the volume on the keyboard - you are probably using the headphone socket so the volume of the keyboard only needs to go up a tiny way (headphone output is very very very loud for an amplifier). When you hear a sound then you can use the volume control on the amplifier to crank up the sound as much as you want.
——————novice section over———————-

Now check out the rhythms on your machine. There should be at least one that rocks. Take whatever steps you find necessary to be relaxed then feel the rythmn, switch off the lights and switch on your flashing LED bicycle light and dance in your room. This is called timing and feeling the groove - aint it fun! Try variations of the rythmn, flick the switch randomly from rock2 to bossanova, punch that fill-in button like the crazy funky hipster DJ that you are. Use the tone controls on your amplifier to break down the beats or to build up a frenzy on the floor. Let this amuse you for as long as it can (hours, days, weeks, months, decades - depending on what steps you took to be relaxed).

You are now ready for Autochord. The fun to be had here is largely dependant on what features your keyboard has. Autochord is truly remarkable - you are making music! Remember - the black keys sound cool and that ‘fingered chord’ with one finger often sounds cooler than ‘autochord’ proper. Perhaps your keyboard has auto-bass and a variety of other auto functions. Try em all. Remember to keep on dancing around the room.

After a few months of autochord entertainment you should have enough confidence or gall to touch the other keys. Now you are on your own in terms of rhythm and pitch! If it is too daunting I suggest to initially go for any of the novelty sounds your keyboard might have like laserbeam or orchestral stabs. The key to the other keys is to use a sound that is pleasing, personally I dig organ sounds. Remember that the names manufacturers put to the sounds are almost entirely arbitrary, let your ears judge how cool something is. Keep on dancing!

And there you have it, you are now a bona fide electronic folk musician. If autochord proves too challenging don’t forget that wonderful button every home keyboard has - the Demo tune!
Advanced Electronic Folk Music:

The following are suggestions for those with more time, money or inclination to delve into their music making capabilites further. Though you might not go out and buy records of noise, experimental music and sound art they are as genres really accessable for the folk electronic musician that you are, (i.e. piss easy to fake) and way hell fun for you, though possibly way hell for those around you.

Fun with a soldering iron
- circuit bending. Circuit bending is what happens when you pull your electronic device apart and mess around with the insides finding where connections between different parts of the circuit alter the sound, all you need to know is how to solder. Look it up on the internet, there is a large community of circuit benders out there transforming old gizmos into amazing experimental music machines. No musical skill or electronic skill required.
- signal messing. Stick the output of your machine through things it wasn’t meant to go through, such as a simple LED can distort the signal, or route the signal through tape recorders set up with tape loops for delays, stick springs between two speakers, think electronic means, think mechanical means. Be safe though - never fiddle with anything that runs off mains power.

Fun with no money
Find a friendly musician, or better yet a friendly ex-musician and borrow equipment they aren’t using, maybe just a few guitar effects pedals. It is good for generally learning about what stuff does what and what you would like if you ever have some money. Play with someone else, ask friends around for drinks and silly noise making.

Fun with a bit of money
Use pawnbrokers, second hand music stores, internet auction sites to get some kinda cheap effects unit. Record - even if it is through the little condensor microphone on your baby sisters ghetto blaster. Most homes seem to have a home computer, even the most basic sound card lets you record. Record your stuff, convert it to MP3 and put it onto a free MP3 site for all the world to hear! Do what you do at home in front of other people, (this does cost a little bit of money, double A batteries for going on the road and a tram ticket, if you are lucky and play a real venue you might possibly even get a drinks rider which will instantly transform you into a rockstar).

Fun with stacks of money
Buy the equipment necessary for a good home studio, a sampler, a new computer, some effects - maybe an ADAT. And use all this expensive gear to record and manipulate the sounds made by your wee beastie. Record an album. Get it professionally mastered. Make lots of copies, distribute and promote. Become a rock god. Ten grand ought to be a start.

Conclusion
Perhaps you never did find that home keyboard under the stairs, perhaps instead you found an old guitar, a hurdy gurdy, a jaw harp or even a couple of old spoons. Maybe you found a good music teacher, maybe you have genuine ability and talent. Whatever your chosen sound producing device is (sounds produced from your own body will always be the cheapest and most immediate instrument!) tonight switch off the telly and play and play and play, for this will make you happy.